my heart is an open palm, exposed and raw
In my land of bright lights you are effervescent -
Overwhelming at once, I am oblivious the next.
You are the palpable product of words I never meant,
Of clouded judgement, infinite dreams; my sweet Regret.
My conscience weighs you down and embeds you
Somewhere in the murky depths of this sepulchral soul.
Yet there is little want of redemption for what I do,
And you and your kind maketh the stories I never told.
Even now I would sing that I am yours, Yours!
As I believe you are mine in all your tainted forms.
Sucker as I am for your taste, touch and allure,
The beauty of folly is not weeping when all else mourns.
So this is an ode to my ill-fated penchant for
Secrets I have to keep, and everything that
I loved to hold but not to possess.
That I wish to forget, but forget to regret.
Friday, July 29, 2005
taking a break from the books now, been having tuition ever since 10 30 this morn. i'm going into exile and i mean it, which means i'm not leaving the house unless to go study (and i mean like real studying, not bumming around. so that implies that i can only go myself.), to go to school, get my meals and go to church. promos are really too near for comfort and judging by the amount of info i have in that grey matter of mine, i'm pretty darn screwed if i don't start studying now. i'm even forgoing moosik practice tonight jes to be with my books. sigh i'm also breaking out so i don't feel like going out much too. if there's anything i really wanna get, i'll jes have to plead my darling mom.
and i should start to detox, the way i've been eating is nowhere near a 'diet'.
time for some harry potty. toodleloo.
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10:21 PM;
the weather's a biatch and i feel like taking a shower again. today was alright, despite being spracked (he he). sorreh, bimbo speak (or rather, sprack). lessons were short and sweet and school started later than usual woohoo, which was 9 45. gp essay was cancelled and math wasn't that long after all. so yeah all in all a pretty good day. went fish-souping with yanibunny and i got my harry potty and FINALLY across the nightingale floor. i've been dying to buy it but somehow it kept slipping off my mind. UGHH okay im so going to shower again. shall turn this stupid thing off and then go mug my brains out. i've missed mugging, so here i come!
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5:12 AM;
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
yawn life really gets boring sometimes, even though i would say im the kind of person that embraces life. i love life, because it's a gift, but the monotony of it gets to me on some occasions (like today). its like i've been doing the exact same things last wednesday, sleeping eating going to school having the same lessons and using the computer, fretting over promos and yeah u get the picture. seems like i'm destined to do all this for two more years? i really really want to go to university asap. i know it's like a pressure cooker there, but at least it ain't a like a bullet train. i feel kinda lost now, like everything's happen so fast and before i know it i'll be doing my promos and hopefully it won't be like the cts.
okay my neighbour jes came over and she jes went back. now i don't know what to say anymore. ha ha good so i wont talk so much crap. tomorrow shall be a good day because it's half day! but we end at two anyway so it's only like two hours of difference. but it's better than nothing lar. we're gonna go shopping tomorrow! wow wow weee.
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7:26 AM;
Monday, July 25, 2005
in a really bad mood now, but im not throwing tantrums or anything, grew out of that eons ago. sigh, my brain's malfunctioning. don't even talk about one hour or anything man, it wouldn't even work for jes THREE induction questions. it seems like im not destined to finish that damned tutorial. i really wanna understand every single question before i file it away, and then it's been bugging me for WEEKS. shit i really want to have tuition soon, but i'll have to wait till thursday. bugger. i told you mondays and tuesdays are the worst days of the week simply because i'm too tired to accomplish anything. or perhaps i should jes throw this stupid computer away, so damn distracting. and it's not even in my room! feeling so pessimistic now, so i needa rant it all out so that my pessimism stays here and only here. gee okay i should rest a little (hmm haven't i been resting ever since i came back already?) then go read my econs notes. i forgot to bring home my econs tys! and it's locked away in baboonie's locker, URGHHHHHHH. i feel like kicking myself in the ass now, but sorreh my legs can't bend backwards and my foot ain't inverted inwards. sigh i feel so lazy, stupid, dumb, IM SUCHA SLOTH i should exile myself from this computer, the television, THE KITCHEN and swim in the sea of knowledge till i drown. whatever that meant lar. JEEEZ. so many caps eh, i'm feeling ke'rayzae. i miss ke'rayzae, i miss 1so3u, i miss the odacians and the white and green all around. ah snap out of it already. pardon me but my mind's currently going round in swirls. i feel like i can see the swirly thingy spinning around in my head. sigh. im aching all over and there's 2.4 tommorow. whassup with the stupid school man, like hello i think running what you've passed already doesn't really serve any purpose? we really should channel that potential energy that we posses into something more constructive/productive like catching up with our sleep to be able to study and concentrate in class at the very least. don't geddit? well didn't think you would. awshucks im really going nutters. AHHH BYE MAN.
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6:26 AM;
Sunday, July 24, 2005
you know, the theory about the brain's ability to function at its maximum for only an hour is so true. i tried it earlier, all because of seung hoon, and true enough my mind was tuning in to my poddy not my notes after an hour. so now i know, not to study for more than an hour at a time. right.
church was alright today, khaing's min prolly going back this friday. let's jes say my relationship with him is like a rollercoaster ride. we went from strangers to jamming buddies, to great friends till the extent of others thinking he had a crush on me (sheesh) and then there were the occasional wedgies driven between our friendship. but we always managed to become good friends again. then it started to take a turn like last year. this year it plummeted down because of stuff, so yeah now it's kinda in the dumps. but really, i don't hate him at all, i jes feel like slapping him most of the time. somehow, he has that place in my heart as one of those friends i'll never forget. guess i'll go send him off this friday, hope its the afternoon flight.
after church was mass pigging out session. i had this prata sausage thingy (yes iggy, your prediction about me pigging out came true), cheese burger, shared fries and a lemon tea with hwei. and i had two curry puffs, this small pizza bread thing and a slice of chocolate cake in church. when i came home, i drank vitagen, had this huge version of stikko thingy. i bought a mudpie too and it's waiting for me in the refrigerator :D well there's pe tomorrow and tuesday so screw the diet.
i'm never ever gonna buy markers again, because i bought like a hundred of them jes now. hurhur you know those marker sets, yeap. yanibunny will be delighted, but nah i wont bring them ALL to school you know.
i feel bored. i think i should pray and mom's not home yet, okay so i should go pray soon. toodleloo*
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6:01 AM;
Saturday, July 23, 2005
math is killing me now, at least today. i don't know why but i kept having problems with every single question that i attempted, pertaining to vectors. well looks like it ain't my strong topic, gotta brush up on that. i feel really lousy because i've not been doing much work. sigh alright i shall cut my crap short and study after this.
oh and i've got a brand new poddy already! so i gotta charge it for 4 hours before i can start uploading songs. damnit that's like 2 45, not including the uploading time. perhaps it'll give me incentive to stay up till the wee hours studying. ah, we'll see.
Jesus i believe in you and i would go to the ends of the world
for you alone are the son of God
and all the world will see that you are God, that you are God.
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7:50 AM;
Friday, July 22, 2005
went back to my alma mater today, anglican high, where bears get shot down. how cliched lar, and it aint true now cuz wang mei hsiong's gone. hmm ran out of school scot-free jes before cultural fiesta. he he ching and i are geniuses man. its like we were already in the hall, and seeing that the hall was rather empty we decided to leave. but jes as we were like already leaving we saw so many people approaching the hall so we walked even faster and thank God the security guard was busy so we jes walked past him quickly. can't imagine watching the stupid concert.
i miss anglican high so much now. it's so much nicer, much more conducive and friendly. it's all prettified, and yeah it looks more like a school now. previously it looked like a hospital. ha ha and we had so much fun yakking with mr chan and wang lao shi. i miss those times, and they all say we're the best students they've ever had! *beams* ahem, but of course. not to be full of it or anything, but we were really a 'tame' class. after all it was kinda like a girls' class. channie loves us sosososo much. his screensaver is practically made up of all our photos! and miss ng's sucha darling, we were like pigging out at her table, on her never-ending supplies of goodies. gosh, you really don't know how good you've got it until you lose it. sigh, well at least we still keep in touch. helped channie clear his table, photowhored in school with all the teachers and yeah we made kwite a din in the office. and being the low-lifers we are, ching hwei and i had so much fun with the intercom thingy, hurhur. well i guess mr chan really misses us a lot that he even found it funny :D
went to the little bubble tea shop nearby jes like the old times, and yeah feeling kwite reminiscent now. twas fun, photowhored even more. ha ha the guy in the barber shop was like thoroughly amused. cabbed back with hwei after that. i really gotta stop cabbing. i cabbed like almost everyday this week, geez.
finished what i assigned myself to read today, so i'm pretty happy. gonna go finish up math later and then research a little on the crow poems. late night today, but tommorow's saturday baby! i loveee fridays. after all, the saying goes 't.g.i.f' got off the phone with iggy before coming online, that bimbotic dodo is so irritatingly funny. ha ha owell, i'm so blessed to have such great friends. i love my chingychingching, cwahseehwee, phooniebaboonie, cherlynn the obscene papaya, mentos (fang), kattie, pettypet, flabnatius, yanibunny, plastic jasmine, *couegh*vil biatch, cheena bimbo and my parents and my sweet little timmy, and of course, you.
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7:45 AM;
Thursday, July 21, 2005
his hello was the end of her endings,
her laugh was their first step down the aisle.
his hand would be hers to hold forever,
his forever was as simple as her smile.
an ocean couldn't prevent it,
a new york minute wouldn't let it pass.
does the universe decide for us,
which love will fade and which will last?
he said she was what was missing,
she said instantly she knew.
she was a question to be answered,
and his answer was, "i do."
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8:00 AM;
my i pod's done!! ha ha so fast right? they told me 1-2 week's time and they called me today already. lol i think they cant be bothered to replace it with new parts or watever, so im gonna get a new poddy! :D uploading's gonna be a bitch though, owell a small price to pay for a brand new poddy i guess.
today was kwite alright, was rather productive. tuition was damn fun, ben brought his doggy along and the doggies had tuition wimme hurhur! timmy was so jealous because i kept playing with pompom, which is ben's dog btw. yeah and he refused to come when i whistled. i lovelovelove my doggy.
should i go for founder's day tomorrow or go get my pod? ang mo kio, damnit. if i was still in rj now, everything'll be so much easier. but yeah that's like in the short run, so i should be more far-sighted and not think of short term benefits only. ah whatever that's supposed to mean lar. got back gp today and im pretty satisfied with my grades. lotsa room for improvement though. mom's so happy ( i don't know why) ha ha but it beats her nagging anytime.
right, i have nothing to say as always and hereth beginneth my ending line : tata* ha ha bad attempt at chaucering my words.
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7:37 AM;
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
boring day, period. went to the apple centre at ang mo kio to get my pod fixed, and now it's taken away from me for two weeks! ahh not like ive been using it for these few months. so bloody damn far, but i discovered that 36 goes to city hall, dhoby ghaut and orchard, so he he i guess my frequency of towning will escalate. need some self control man.
anyways, something different for a change, i've developed an interest in cooking! and guess what, i borrowed a cadbury cooking book from the library! it's gonna be so fun! it's like all about baking chocolate-related stuff and everyone was salivating over the pictures. he he i'm gonna be a baker! mom's elated to know that i'm finally getting in touch with my domestic side. she signed me up for baking lessons! i can't wait! hopefully i'll become a really good cook/baker/wtv and tempt everyone with my ambrosial cooking! :):):) but then, i'm not really all that into cooking stuff like fish, curry and the likes. i like baking a lot because i've watched mom bake ever since i was a kiddo, and yeah the smell of baking is like one of the greatest pleasures in life. jes walk pass a bakery and you'll know what i mean. i already know how to make cheesecake all thanks to my cherlynn dearest :D and i wanna learn how to make lagsane and pizza. momma knows how to!! i'm getting obssesed already, being the huge foodie i am :D and if im successful, i'll bake for the church and my darlings and my bombos!
hmm okay i shall go do my readings until midnight and then i'll turn in. nites all*
deupty bombo: YES must go shopping. end of this month? *other bombos: what say you??*
and my dear secretary yanibunny, don't worry kay, you'll be finee!! :):) God bless you!
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6:59 AM;
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
really tired now, pe was insane. shall restrain myself from bitching a whole paragraph about how the pe teachers are not in their right minds and everything else not very nice. gosh i'm sucha blurdot, i actually mixed up van and yani on msn. sheesh.
it's almost impossible to be productive on mondays and tuesdays. did peedoubleyoo since i came back and read some notes on napoleon. period. how pathetic. yesterday was worse, i slept for two and a half hours, followed by teevee and then i completed my general solution tutorial and read the first half of napoleon readings. SIGH WHY AM I SO SLOW. really, the pace at which i do work is cringe-worthy. need.to.hurry.up.big.time.
acks i really want to go shopping and i came up with a new list, but it kinda overlaps with the other one i made last time. so far, i've only got my reuben morgan cd, that gorgeous jacket that i've been lusting over ever since kl and i don't know because to tell the truth i cant remember most of it already. shall go back a few more entries and settle on a final list. shopping my fellow bombos? :D
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7:21 AM;
Monday, July 18, 2005
im sick and tired, nothing much to say. school was not too bad because there was no pe today! had fun laughing during the lessons and the usual crap that students do when they're bored. im suffering from an attention deficit disorder of some sort. oh we 'celebrated' evil biatch's birthday today and ha ha her cake was melting so freaking expensive!! but it's all for my deputy 'bombo' so nvm lar.
aiya im really trying to say something constructive but i cant so this shall be it. I HATE HOMEWORK LAR.
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5:35 AM;
Friday, July 15, 2005
slept so much again, i really should stop sleeping in the afternoon, it's becoming a bad habit because once i sleep i dont get up till like after two hours, gee. i wanted to go out to study today, but ben's coming over later so i ended up over-napping. gee i set my alarm clock but i managed to shut it up and went back to sleep. well that jes means i wont sleep early tonight, after all it is a friday night! :)
school was alright today. chaucer was super disgusting because of all the phallic stuff and fabliau etcetra etcetra, but was quite interesting on the whole. i wanna start on the iliad and finish reading 'life of pi'. can you believe it, i have not finished it. lol well there was the exams, after which i never touched it again. so i can't let money go to waste, gotta finish reading all the books i bought and my countless issues of the economist and time before i start buying new books again. its jes that there are sooo many good books to read and i can't resist buying one. what's more, HARRY POTTY'S COMING OUT TOMORROW ahhhh heavens! okay i'm not so dumb as to go and get one issue now, because it'll be freaking overpriced. and it'll prolly drop by what, 70% after half a year? iggy and i saw the last issue of H.P going at nine fifty at borders, and we were like astonished. lol dirt cheap for like a book more than seven hundred pages?
i was craving for macdonalds since yesterday, and up to now i have yet to satisfy it. met mom for lunch and she insisted that i had to have something more nutritious, so she forced me to eat at delifrance. it was alright, but it would be better if i had my macdonalds! :( ha ha oh what the hell. wanted to get fries in the end but then i realised that i pass by macdonalds everyday on my way home, and so what's the big deal. i'll jes have it another day. vanna's warnings about trans-fat deterred me from buying it too, he he. well i've kinda decided to eat lesser, and when i say that, it don't mean i'm dieting. i'm jes cutting down on my food intake, which is by the way, a lot? so it's jes three meals a day for me now, minus all the snacking, daily dosage of milo, CHOCOLATE (save my soul), junk food and the likes. okay i'm gonna be quite miserable for awhile, and everyone's gonna be like, you'll never manage that. tsk, how discouraging but i'm determined! it's not really a question of weight/appearance or whatever one may deem it, but more of achieving a balance. oh come on, you guys do know i eat hell a lot, RIGHT?
yes i must blog about this, i saw this uber adorable and chubby ri boy at the bus interchange jes now, and he was sooo cute i wanted to pinch his cheeks. ha ha what a far cry from those in rj, tsk tsk. pity him, having to travel so far everyday- the very reason i wanted to switch schools. perhaps i'm jes plain spoilt, but whatever it is, i think it's kwite senseless to spend three hours on travelling everyday when that time could be put to better use. ha ha oh whatever, it's over now.
well if you read this whole entry, i must applaud you, because it really is four paragraphs of mindless, senseless, out-of-point rambling -cheesy grin-
looloo: he he i dont 'go around smooching' alright, its jes smooching YOU. hurhur. :P
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3:21 AM;
Thursday, July 14, 2005
all i have to say is, MY TWINNIE RYAN KIANG HON ROCKS, IS DA MAN, MY WUNNERFUL BUDDY AND FRIEND. :D:D:D:D thank God for him, really :)
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7:55 AM;
firstly, it's the french national day today, so, happy bastille day! :) on 1789, the storming of the bastille marked the start of my misery, bloody french revolution sheesh.
nothing much to blog, except that i've been sleeping a lot recently even on short days. well today it was two and a half hours of napping. shit i really don't know what to blog about. ha ha sorry, i ain't being succinct, because my entries are short and full of rubbish. i wanna shopshopshop that's all i can say now. oh pe sucks i hate pe pe should be abolished.
not in a mood to blog anymore. more of vectors and general solutions now. sigh tata*
liberte, egalite, fraternite!
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5:26 AM;
Monday, July 11, 2005
ha ha lack of entries recently. back to school again, thank God i wasn't suffering from monday blues. actually school's kinda fun sans the homework. i like lectures to tell the truth, because all you have to do is sit and listen and sometimes you even get to eat. i have homework to do and i shall get down to it really soon. ben's supposed to come over and teach me math but he hasn't called me yet. pe today sucked. i only got a bronze for pft that means i gotta redo it. shucks im sucha imbecile when it comes to physical exercise.
jasmine heo's sucha sweetie. she got us pretty soap from lush! and it smells soooo good i can't bear to use it. my room smells so nice now. i didn't get my bag in the end, no time and couldn't find it anymore too. so it's not meant to be. starbucks for a little while more then. sighh yani got a nice baggy too and she's encouraging me indirectly. YARN, tsktsk. i think i shall get an alison burns bag from quintessential. jes worried that it'll be too small. urgghh i hate peripheral matters like this. and im running out of things to say. blogging's getting increasingly boring.
chenyi: hey ginger! i missywissy you laaaaar. we have to meet up one day aight? love ya! :)
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5:50 AM;
Thursday, July 07, 2005
boredom is clouding my mind, and in yani's words, 'i is bored' ha ha. school was alright, i really like it when edna tan lectures. results still not out yet and ching thinks the wait is unbearable. i on the other hand, can't be bothered because i feel what's done is done, and whether you get it back now or later wouldn't make any difference at all. well, to each his own? called up apple centre jes now and that guy was so cute [no not eyecandy cute, duh]. he was talking so fast and he had this semi american-indian accent which made him all the more harder to understand. then i kept interrupting him and he was so patient. hurhur, customer service. he says i have to bring my pod down to apple centre, BOOHOO. so faaaaar, like all the way in ang mo kio. well then fine, i shall go to wisma and look for my prettypretty bag. if it's not there anymore, then it's not meant to be. ha ha to tell the truth, my starbucks bag is boring me. it's too a.a for my liking now. oh and prayer meeting for the outreach tomorrow night, so i guess my schedule for tomorrow's more or less settled. gotta do work now, tata.
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2:10 AM;
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
OH. and i've decided on the bag which i want already. i know a lot of people will start rolling their eyes when they see it, and ching'll be, WHAT YOU PAID FOR THIS? ha ha well you know me and my quirky taste. :P
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4:10 AM;
woah hibernated for three hours. i only planned to for two but i overslept so i'm behind schedule. but ah whatever man, shall jes try to finish whatever i planned by today. yay mummy bought preddy preddy shoes for me, but i don't really have anything to wear that goes with it. that can be settled, more shopping! gotta save money for our little shopping escapade at the end of the month, jes yani, jas, vanna, ching and me! ha ha would be great fun, especially with that evil*cough*biatch going with us :P ha ha i think the situation in class is getting better, with funny pw mates and all. alright shall go do math already. ciao.
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4:02 AM;
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
can't be bothered with my results because i know i didnt study at all so i should be happy with what i got already. harhar.
i forgot my keys today and ughh i ended up at the library gorging on that cookies and cream milkshake that yani was talking about non-stop today. was waiting for mom to come to my rescue, and then she suggested going for dinner at swensons. and i couldn't resist salad and pizza. not forgetting the old chang kee ching, yani, jas, vanna and i had during our long break. oh the only good thing about today was that lit was cancelled. but i still went back late because of my own folly grr. i wanted to bury myself under the covers for two hours before attempting to redo my math paper. i was trying to do it in the library because there was nothing better to do. but i realised i didnt bring my question paper, so i had to read my history notes. boring to the power of infinity.
brought my sweet doggy for a walk jes now and i saw sooo many other cute little doggies too. but i still love timmy the most. my throat's itching like MAD and i jes stocked up on goodies, not good at all.
and shucks, and im becoming salaciously random.
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4:48 AM;
Monday, July 04, 2005
didn't shop much with ig yesterday, but got a really cute pencil case. well mr and mrs smith was hot, but the plot was alright only. ha ha i was swooning all the way and ig kept 'tsk'ing me. how ironic. well today went to kattie's place to meet petty and fang. watched school of rock, collateral (bits of it) and madagascar. ate so damn much, all thanks to kattie's finnish chocolates. yeah i miss rj soooo much. but i have made it a point to start opening up in this second half of the year, so im kinda looking forward to going to school tomorrow. weird lar, but yeah why not? class bbq after kattie's place and i like stayed for less than an hour. had to go out with momma and i got two pairs of sneakers. my preddy dunks and yeah another pair of sneakers that were sweeet* i want a new bag sosososo badly. well i really gotta stop spending. iggy's impressive with his thrifty ways, and i have to learn from him. he's like the only child too! ha ha he made me feel so bad about not giving a hoot about spending my dahling parent's moolah. oh saw rachelle yesterday too, and it's really coincidental that the last time i went out with ig, i saw her too! man, life's weird. alright enough for today. gotta pack up and turn in early. school's starting again! i hope tmw's a slack day because teachers get so caught up with marking they forget to come to class. hurhur that'll be damn cool. and perhaps we'll get an early day off, and i'll go scout for my baggy! ah whatever, didn't i jes say i wanted to save money??
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7:59 AM;
Saturday, July 02, 2005
half-boiled eggs are rather unconventional for lunch but who really cares anyway. well had fun yesterday doing the invitations and i must say, they are preddy! gonna go collect them later. well my darling hwee hwee, cherlynn, yudhi and sky are coming over later. more fun and then it's off to church for moosik prac. have no idea what to choose for worship tomorrow. do have some songs on the wait list, but yeah it's jes tentative.
i feel really old, like how i'm gonna turn 18 next year and then i'll be legal. and then temptations to go clubbing and all that will be aggravated, not that my friends like to club that much. but YAH, i reallyreally gotta have loads of self-control next year, especially when my birthday's like early in the year. then it's the BIG A's next year and im really getting worried. somehow i keep thinking that i'll end up doing something that i never thought i would. And i really should make a better choice next time. note: i said choice, not by default. get that right. but then, everyone said that chemistry was a killer and if i chose to remain, then i guess i'd be butchered. hurhur im sucha pessimist.
don't you love hols, they give you all the time in the world to think about things which really don't matter at all. i can't wait to go shopping tomorrow!
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12:09 AM;
